ANON MODEL: “Hey MODELBURNBOOK I’ve go a question….

So I’ve been modeling for almost 10 years now, internationally 4. I sort of quit the past year for many reasons and my agencies just don’t seem to want to accept it.

I had a good start, Paris, Milan, all the main cities almost, I thought I had decent jobs, until I realized I was in debt like up to 14 grand basically which for me was a lot of money…either way, I started focusing on trying to make money, I moved back to Germany tried forever to get my foot in the door but I just wasn’t commercial enough and my mother agent didn’t help me at all. He still wanted me to go back to Paris but I refused.

So I tried LA and it was the same game, I didn’t do anything at home because all I focused on was eating right and working out. I thought that was the only thing my world revolved around. My mom is sick so eventually I had to take up a part time job to help her but still taking digis weekly and I noticed nothing changed my mother agent just won’t help me to get to LA.

Eventually of course I gave up, thought to myself I had a good run and as I was quitting I noticed I acquired anxiety issues along the way. I met someone, went back to school and my mother agent still messages me. It’s like the last bit was so hard on me I just don’t want to have to do anything with the business and the thought about trying to take digis just makes me cringe. I Stopped malnourishing my body and I started taking care of it and eating normal.

So basically my question is how does one try to make their mother agent understand that you just don’t want to anymore? I seem to just get super anxious and I don’t know what to say every time he emails me. It’s like my mind instantly translates his name into being something negative when I see it in my emails.”

—Anon

MODELBURNBOOK:

“Dear Anon,

Thanks for writing to me and apologies upfront for taking so long to respond.

Girl, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I did the same damn thing with my ‘modeling career.’ I think that’s the frustrating thing about the modeling industry. You’re always lead to believe that the markets you work in somehow equal success or will eventually lead to success. If talk to people outside of the fashion industry and say, “I’ve lived and worked in Paris, Milan, NYC, LA…etc etc” it sounds pretty impressive. But if I look at my past modeling career like a bulleted resume I have a fucking panic attack. Like what the fuck WAS I doing in all those countries? Yeah, I got some jobs, but it was more like scraping by. Do a couple editorials for next to nothing, book a relatively good paying job that no one will ever see, test shoot, test shoot, test shoot…you’re covered for the money you lost in that market just barely, if at all.

But agencies don’t care about breaking even, they need profits to keep their doors open. There is no money in bookers advising their models to quit. I will say it again for those in the back—NO ONE AT YOUR AGENCY WILL EVER TELL YOU TO QUIT MODELING. You gotta be the one to do the heartbreaking. I don’t hate modeling agencies. I don’t hate bookers. This is just the truth. One of my favorite people in the world and one of my greatest BFFs is my ex-booker in NYC. I can tell you that sometimes, bookers and mother agencies really DO love you and believe in you. It can be both. That’s why it makes quitting even more difficult. These people have come to know you personally, they become invested in you emotionally. They believe you deserve success. You need to be the person who tells that that you WILL find success, it’s just not going to be as a model.  

So my advice is to email him, with the subject line: THANK YOU. 

Politely thank him for the time he invested in your career, and for the opportunities that have come from modeling. You have good memories, but it’s time for you to move forward in your life. You are giving 100% commitment to your future goals and it’s time for him to give his 100% to someone who can give their all to modeling. Tell him that if you ever have a change of heart YOU will contact HIM. If he’s still emailing you (after sending 1 reply) send that shit to junk and delete it. You don’t need it in your life.

You need people around you supporting your future, not dragging you back into the past.”

XO MODELBURNBOOK

Hi there ♥️ Thanks for taking the time to write to me, I’m always keen to share my experiences if it helps other models.

All models should worry about retirement, so ur ahead of the game! Feel proud about that, not discouraged. I know how difficult is to keep up modeling while simultaneously being freaked out that you know it will end and you have no plan. I did that for a long time. At first I loved modeling, then I hated it, then I hated myself because financially I wasn’t in the position to quit modeling. It’s a rough spot to be in mentally.

I guess I knew on some level from the beginning that I would never be successful as a model, which is why I started MODELBURNBOOK, to get my writing out there in the world. It wasn’t just me pouring my heart out to the internet. It was intentional. It helped me make connections for writing, and I contacted some of my previous employers (that I had modeled for) and asked if they needed content for their company blogs. I made a bit of extra cash that way, and as the modeling jobs faded, I realized that MODELBURNBOOK could be my resumé.

But to be honest, it was too late. I hadn’t utilized my connections like I should have. I was too passive. Because as models, jobs come to us. Which is the opposite of how the real world works.

So I would suggest you take some time to think about what you would’ve done if no one had ever scouted you to be a model. There are 2 categories: jobs you need to go to school for (doctor, lawyer, psychologist, etc.) and jobs you don’t need to go to school for (I would argue anything in fashion, the creative industries, entrepreneurship, etc.) if you feel very driven to work in the former mentioned industries, by all means there is time for you to go back to school. You should never feel like it’s too late for school.

TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THAT YOU HAVE BEEN AN ENTREPRENEUR THIS WHOLE TIME.

You have traveled all over the world, you have been going to thousands of job interviews (castings!), you have intuitively learned what clients want and have been able to deliver (sometimes without even speaking the language) what is asked of you as an employee, you can collaborate and work as a team, and from a young age you have been held accountable to manage yourself without direct supervision. You have skills you haven’t given yourself credit for. Could University lectures have taught you these things? Probably not. You have an advantage here, a very long & skinny leg-up!

Try to make a resumé, even if you don’t expect to send it to anyone. Just think of qualities and skills that you have picked up over the years. Do you show up on time to your 5am call times? Can u anticipate what clients want from you based on their body language? Can you make a decent first impression, have you learned to entertain and engage clients in conversation, are you professional on the job and work within deadlines? YES!

Stick the list up beside your bed and think about it at least a couple of nights a week.

DON’T PUNISH YOURSELF AND STRESS YOURSELF OUT.

Just think about how you can grow that list, as a model. Don’t quit modeling, keep making money. Just smartly put it aside in savings.

Start to think of every modeling job and casting you go to as an opportunity to make connections for the future. Add assistants on Instagram. Make friends on FB. I’m in my 30s now and all the assistants I worked with in my modeling prime are now running businesses and in positions to hire. They are social media directors, they are stylists, they are famous photographers. Make sure they remember you and reach out when you feel ready. Dare I say it, even the rich dudes u meet at model clubs and dinners. If you keep it professional, sometimes you can find financial backers for your entrepreneurial projects. Every person you meet can help you in the future.

Most likely, the career you want is something you’ve already shown interest in, you just haven’t realized it. I dabbled in the high school photography club, I took a 1 month course at my local college about photography before I started modeling at 23 years old. I had toy cameras I played around with during my modeling years, but I never took photography seriously as a career path until my 30s. I taught English in Japan for a year. I still take on the occasional modeling or commercial gig to finance my photography. It wasn’t a magical leap from model to photographer. I’m still struggling.

One thing I know for certain, is that there’s no time limit or expiry date on most careers. As models we are programmed to think our careers are over at 25 years old. Age dictates our value. It’s still difficult for me to come to terms with the idea that I don’t have to be a “young female photographer” I can be an old female photographer. I can be old! Most people who are successful are not teenagers or in their early 20s! This is almost exclusive to the entertainment industry.

JUST BREATHE, REALIZE YOU HAVE TIME.

Save your money. Keep journals of your experiences to learn from later on. Make connections. Ask people you admire and respect to meet you for coffee (not alcohol) and ask for their advice–pay for their coffee. When you find your passion, tell it to your agencies. Ask them who they know in those fields. Propose internships. Assist a casting director, a photographer if you can shadow them on the job; make friends with the person who does your agency social media and ask them for lessons on growing your brand. Unless you were born in NYC or LA or London or Paris, this is priceless advice and experience that others would die for.

Don’t undervalue yourself and your experiences as a model. You have learned so much. As models, we need to acknowledge each other and support each other. We all have this bond and we all know damn well that we know how to network.

So let’s do this.

XX MODELBURNBOOK

“I’m in my long-stay apartment in Hiroo Tokyo, drinking Asahi beer alone (which is the BEST beer in the world) and watching Manhattan for the second time. I slept through the last half before…I’m working too much. Sorry Woody Allen.

Today was the best day ever, I’m in the power position with my agency cos I work more than the other girls so they heart me. I demanded a fucking day off of castings cos im literally working 16 hour days and then have to go to castings after, really I’m on my last slice of energy. This has been my only day without a job pretty much since I got here, so I figure they owe me ONE day to myself. I spent my magic day off (actually I had 3 castings…that’s a ‘day off’ in Tokyo) cycling around Harajuku and Shibuya almost getting killed on my new flat-black Landslider (edit: it’s a bike). i stopped at the Museum Of Contemporary Art and checked out an exhibit. I bought an Andy Warhol bag…I usually find those Andy Warhol branded items to be overdone and pretty played out but this one is perfect for carry-on and it has four big skulls on it, and will look pretty dope once I get it dirty.

Sidenote: I’ve decided to not eat fish anymore after watching a video on octopi at the museum cos they look so cool. It showed them when they were caught, and they were ‘inking’ cos they were so scared. I just thought “I can’t eat anything that has the capacity to feel fear and is so beautiful”.

I feel ridiculously refresh about modeling cos I’ve been really down about it lately and have been seriously considering if this is ever going to amount to anything. (spoiler: it didn’t) It’s not really the lifestyle I want. The whole ‘scene’ kinda of turns me off, but today I realized that it doesn’t have to be party party party with 17 year old Russian girls and overly self-absorbed male model cokeheads in Roppongi. If I want to go to museums and ride cool bikes and go to little Japanese bars with my friends and snuggle in my bed with a beer and watch Woody Allen flicks instead of clubbing I can fucking do that if I want to and still be a ‘model’.

So on my last casting I walk in, and the only other model there is FUCKING JULIA DUNSTALL. Who I think is as cool as shit and AMAZING and someone who I idealize as a very cool girl; stylish and has the career that I would kill for. She smiled at me right away and started cracking joke with my manager. Totally UNLIKE any successful model, who would usually just clack at her Blackberry and glare at everyone. If there are dope chicks like that in this industry, I don’t mind being a part of it. It made me feel super good to know famous models can still be so down to earth.

I also decided to start another blog, more like a model diary or whatever. Cos I feel like a lot of my thoughts are slightly too personal for Facebook, and I need to get them across, even if no one cares to read them. It’s important that I document all this shit that’s going down even if it’s not always kittens & sunshine, cos one day it’s all going to become a giant blur called ‘a career’ and I won’t be able to specifically recall all the awesome things I’ve experienced. I haven’t thought up a name for it yet. (edit: MODELBURNBOOK lol) but if ur interested on spying, it will be there for you. haha.

x cai”

xx MDLBRNBK

“May 27th 2010—Paris Lost passport, lost wallet, lost phone. Lost it all. Losing my mind. I’m living off of the Champs Elysees on Rue Marbeuf with a girl and male model and the apt owner who used to be an actor but is now terminally ill. He makes me think really hard about what I’m really working towards. You can really have it all and still die alone in a house you barely leave. There’s even a movie poster on the wall with his face on it. 

I’m lonely. 

I found a picture of me on FB, a real one, before modeling. I must have been 22 years old. I thought I was old then, haha. It was the picture Next Canada signed me with. Laura took it but we don’t even talk anymore. I looked so healthy in that photo. My hair looked thick, my skin tanned, tits looked bigger. I want to get back to that but I guess I can’t. I haven’t changed any of my habits. But my face now looks so much more thin and gaunt in comparison. Maybe I just looked happier, could it be so simple? It was right after [redacted: Fuckboy No. 1] and right before [redacted: Fuckboy No. 2] I can’t believe I’ve known Fuckboy No. 2 so long. No wonder it’s been so hard getting over him. No wonder I’m not over him. We’ve been doing this goddamn dance for 3 years now, I wonder if he even realizes it. Kind of a mind fuck. I’m going to bed. 

—— 14:20-14:20 CRASH MAGAZINE (M8) 257 RUE ST HONORE *END OF COURTYARD (METRO CONCORDE/FRANCK PERRIN or TUILERIES) ——

 I’m sitting in a beautiful church on St Honore waiting to go to this casting. I was just in the store, Collette, a store I had fucking obsessed over online for the last year. Went in to pick up the latest copy of Inventory Magazine and got screamed at by some dickhead employee who yelled “I DON’T SPEAK ENGLISH” at me and walked away. Isn’t ‘magazine’ in French pretty much the same? I feel like a dumb tourist. I hate Paris. Why is everyone so mean. This would never happen in Tokyo. 

I’m so damn hungry too. I’m so sick of 11 Euro salads with canned green beans in themmmm. I have zero energy. I eat at Subway every day, all my bookers laugh at me. 

“They win when your soul dies.” —Tupac 

Will I go to Hell for listening to Tupac in a church? 

THINK POSITIVE. MAY IS ALMOST OVER. 2 MONTHS LEFT. IT COULD BE WORSE. 

I want to see my statement. I’m fucking READY. I want to know how much money I have to make to break even. It must be literally thousands. The flight here and back, TWICE. The rent, the allowance money. And the only job I have done that PAYS is 2500, it will go straight to the accounting office at the agency. And they want me to buy a phone today—50 Euros. AND a strapless bra—20 Euros. I only get 80 Euros a week for agency allowance. I’m draining my Canadian bank account trying to survive." 

xx MDLBRNBK

MDLBRNBK #2: 

“Wednesday April 20th 2011

I googled my old domain name and found that someone else had taken it over back in March. [edit: I deleted the original MODELBURNBOOK blog after someone sent me a *false* tip that there were rumors going around in NYC that I was ‘difficult to work with’] There was one entry. It looked like something I could have written, but probably wouldn’t have published. I don’t understand how it happened. If someone hacked my account, or if I mistakenly posted it. It’s a mystery. Oh well. That life is over. And I’m glad to see it go.

I also found another blog I did called ‘Verbatim’. I copy and pasted everything to Notes and deleted it. I don’t need anymore mistakes kicking around the interweb. That shit doesn’t disappear like I thought it would. Even after deleting it. Luckily no one read it at all except my sister and one random follower from back in the day. It was a daily format journal, dating from the beginning of September 2010 to mid October 2010. Very short, very sad, very unfinished. But I found great comfort in re-reading it. Which is why I wanted to immediately start this blog. A password protected version. I want to write EVERYTHING down. Every single day. Let it all out, like a real journal–not one that could potentially get talked up on Fashionista. This will be the source I draw from when I write my future book…

I can hear the psychotic dog barking in #403. Sasha. The pitbull that bit my fucking sweatpants and made me cry. I joined a FB group for people who live in 538 Johnson/75 Stewart and brought it up in a post, someone has already ‘liked’ it. HA! A small win for me. I gave almost all the beers that Sasha’s guilty owners gifted me away to my roommates. I couldn’t help myself. I owed one to Ian, and it would just be weird to give out beer to some people and not others.

I found out today that Wu-Tang Clan filmed a video on the roof here. How fucking cool is that? That is impossibly cool.

***

I know I’m eating too much right now. I can’t stop. I don’t know why. It wasn’t a problem before. Maybe because there’s no TV to watch, and everyone just hangs out in the kitchen. I feel like it’s one of the only things I can do in the house to kill time. Eating and making food forms my days here. It breaks time up. I’m not eating poorly, really. I’m just eating too frequently. For a model. I’m sure other people could eat the way that I am. But I feel guilty when I see what other models are eating. Healthy. Healthy to nothing. And the BEER. I had way too many beers last night. I need to drink vodka/soda like all the other girls. Even if my weight is fine now, and there are no complaints, it couldn’t hurt to cut out beer and eat only when I am hungry. I don’t want to be at a disadvantage. This is very competitive. I want to be doing everything that I can be doing to ensure that when the time comes for whatever is in store for me on this path–that I am prepared and in peak condition. I owe it to myself to try…” 

MDLBRNBK #1:
“December 3rd 2009 — Tokyo
I think I miss my 16 year old breasts but I don’t even remember them. I see a lot of 16 year old tits theses days. At castings. It’s hard not to look away. And the models all think they have shit tits cost they’re not big. It’s as if the passing comments of shitty-high school-boyfriends-past have all convinced these near perfect soon-to-be-women that they’re not good enough. A fucking travesty. If only I could tell them they’re never going to be more perfect then they are at this moment without emotionally murdering them. How do you tell 16 year olds that they’re literally peaking around you. They do not look like 25 year old tits. Definitely not 26 year old tits. [author’s age at time of writing] When they bend over they remain a perfect hemisphere of fatty perfection. Funny that. Were my breasts ever that wonderful? I can’t even remember now. If I had my 16 year old breasts again, I would rarely, if EVER, wear shirts. That would be a problem. KNOWING too much. Knowing how good you are at the time when you are actually good. Then you would have no regrets. Terrifying.
Perhaps I need fake breasts?
Friday December 4th 2009 — Tokyo
I’m sitting at Myako’s Bar (?) in Omotesando next to the model agency/police Koban, having a Sapporo alone. This bar is fucking tiny, about the size of my model apartment. We are all crowded into this smokey lil place. Drinks crammed in front of us, cell phones out, all surfaces wooden…weird. What time is it, is it daylight? A tiny Asian lady in a leopard print sweater is preparing some kind of soup behind the bar. Above her are bottles of whiskey, cassis, and Four Roses Bourbon. Ironically miniature [drink] glasses are all around her, like those ones you get at fancy bars where drinks are $25. I’m uneasy about how much these tiny glasses of alcohol will cost me. She can barely see above the bar. I smell eggs and the sounds of them frying on a hidden grill over there…My soiled Fjallraven backpack is on the stool beside me. No model would ever come here but me. I will never find anyone like me doing this job. These moments are the most lonely.
Time to start castings.”